Confessions of a father

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 It was “Father’s day” and there were wishes pouring out on the media platforms. I have never believed in these and that this is a western influence (and nothing wrong or right about it). 

My children have never wished me on that day, perhaps respecting my beliefs and understanding me better. I am happy about it and am not sentimental about it.

While I do not watch much of TV shows, I happened to watch a music competition involving children. Their fathers were invited to the show. I could see so much of emotions (the rona - dhona stuff) and I could not relate much to it. I wondered why?

That set me to think about fatherhood, relationships between father - son and father - daughter. 

My father

My Dad

I have heard that my father was a fine gentleman albeit with a short temper. He wished the best for us and decided to get us educated well. 

Why am I talking so distant of my “Daddy” as my brother and I used to call him and I so vaguely remember of him? I lost him when I was seven years old and have very faint memories of him.

My memories perhaps reinforced by what I have heard from others, including my mother and my brother, is that he was a genial person, a sportsman (played Tennis) and loved his family a lot. 

What I do remember (so strange) is some of the punishments that he had given me or the scolding that I had for my misbehaviour and truancy.

I do remember him carrying me at the train station (we used to come by train from Raichur to Bangalore regularly) and walking all the way till the engine and talk to the engine driver and hoist me into the engine cabin. The engine driver would make me pull the whistle of the engine and hoot which would make me so happy. My dad never shirked in getting us the best. I remember eating Cadburys chocolate, which was so elite during those days. I used to have “Pocket money” to buy from the “Tuck shop” at the Bishops cottons school, where both my brother and I were enrolled as boarder students.

Maybe due to the fact that I lost him very early, I missed out enjoying the relationship between a dad and a son.

Father figures

My mother was my everything - father, mother, guru and held multiple positions in our family of three.

With my Maternal uncle, aunt and cousin brother.

The nearest that I saw and partially experienced was my maternal uncle and I used to watch with curiosity the relationship between him and my cousin brother Baba (we both grew up together and shared quite many family occasions as my aunt and uncle treated me as an other son). He too was a strict disciplinarian but more benign. The worst that I have heard him shout at us (or perhaps mildly raise his voice at us) is when we disturbed his Sunday siesta and he would explode “ತಗೆದು ಭಾರಿಸಿ ಬಿಡ್ತೀನಿ ನೋಡು” (I will beat you up). He would never do anything of that sort and that we were sure of. It was from him that I learnt the value systems of honesty and integrity. 

I get more emotional when I think of my maternal uncle than of my father, as I grew up more at my maternal uncle’s place and regarded him as my father figure.

Mythology ingrained 

Rama & Dasharatha 

Having been narrated and read about mythological stories, for us, a father figure was more to be “respected” than “loved”. 

You had to keep or make promises to keep your father happy as a "dutiful" son (Bhishma, Yayati, Rama) and even to the extent that you had to sacrifice your own happiness to keep your father happy! Mother was a loving person and was to be loved and looked up to under any circumstances. 

The stereo type patriarchal “Father figure” was embedded in my mind. A strict, aloof, caring (but not showing that - Macho image), provider for the family who wanted his children to be well behaved and focussed on education. Never thought of a father as fun loving guy in the family (Many of us remember the father figure played by Girish Karnad in the TV serial "The Malgudi days" - that would sum up my image of a father).

Father-in-law 

All this changed when I got married and saw much more complexity in life with a “Father-in-law” appearing. I got more confused about “fatherhood”. Can a person love his offspring so much that he can do anything to keep them happy? So much that it can possibly turn to love/hate relationship? More I try to analyse the “relationship” of father and son, more I got confused. 

He (father-in-law) in my later life stepped into the shoes of being a father figure to me. I trusted him, respected and enjoyed his company.

In essence for me as a son, while I did not experience the relationship with a biological father, enjoyed looking up to my maternal uncle and my father-in-law as “father figures” and try to define that relationship with my own children later in life. 

Father and Daughter

With my Daughter

Daughter being our first child, was special. While I tried to be a strict disciplinarian, couldn’t help melting down with this little baby / kid / child and many a time seeing a mirror of my own self in her behaviour and mannerism.

I went out of my way (example: standing in front of the mirror for hours and practising ventriloquism with a stuffed doll to make her believe that “Venki the monkey” was real!) to make her smile and laugh. As she grew up to be a young girl, I was very protective of her and she knew that I was there for her in times of her difficulty. She got a lot of pampering and attention. While the material comforts were not the greatest (we used to go out on our scooter with her standing in the front), she definitely had a lot of my time and attention (sometimes to her own discomfort - I used to drive her to her school and pop up maths multiplication table questions like 8 X 6 is ?? And the poor girl, not being great at maths would fumble. This was perhaps her traumatic time with me!). 

Even to date she is my alter ego and can read my mind easily. 

We both have been fiercely independent and hence do not hesitate to contradict each other (many a time just for the sake of it) and have had our share of arguments and disagreements. While funnily, both of us secretly admire the stand that the other person is taking. She is more an intellectual engagement for me and I do not hesitate to seek her ideas and critique.

Father and Son

With my Son

 Our second child was born after a seven year gap. 

I was in my prime years of my career and was in the thick action of the climbing the corporate ladder. 

While he did bring a lot of joy to us on his arrival, I really could not spend time with him as a kid and enjoy his antics due to my work pressure. Soon enough, I had to start moving around (Chennai - Gurgaon - Thailand - Coimbatore - Antwerp) and these movements took toll on our relationship. He grew up more as a “mother’s child” due to lack of me spending time with him. 

As I turned 50 and got that “been there and done it” feeling in the corporate world, I realised that I was missing a lot and was not spending time with the family and more specifically with my son. 

I decided to step away from the corporate world and that rat race to be with the family. That was the time that he and I started to bond. He was towards the end of schooling and while I missed a child and a kid, I was fortunate to be with him as he grew up to become a fine young man. 

We used to go out on treks, hikes, play tennis, Golf, cycle around, apart from our rounds to Idli Vada and other eating joints in Bangalore. I really did not have any role to play in his education (more inputs  and support from his mother and sister) and I can proudly say that he has grown up to be a self made man. He did have a lot of material comforts which will never replace an emotional investment that I could not make. He is my conscience keeper and reminds me gently and in his own way, if I act funny and irrational.

Father - Children

I have come to understand the nuances of being a father to grown up children much more better than being a father to small kids. This relationship has matured in the casks of time. I have mellowed down and respect them as distinct individuals. They too have understood my predicaments and haven’t held against me for the lack of material comforts or the emotional support that each of them missed out from me. We have learned to accept each other with all our drawbacks.

Confession time...

While, I am not sure if I have done my job of "Fatherhood" to best that I should have done. I do feel on the contrary that I could have done better, there is no way that we can turn the clock back. Definitely there would be a lasting regret within myself that I could have been a better dad for my kids, how much ever they feel that I did a great job.

A mature relationship with daughter and son