Ego vs. Self-Respect: Navigating the Fine Line

I have always been intrigued, when do we cross that thin line between an act of self respect and when does ego set in?

Do we disguise our ego as self respect?

This topic has occurred to me many a time and recently, I faced a situation where a long time friend of mine started to “cold shoulder” me. I have a choice to

a. either reach out to him and seek to understand the reason for this behaviour. Ask if I did something wrong? If yes, I could have been blind to it and would not hesitate to apologise and make amends. after all we are childhood chums.

b. or stick to myself and shrug it off by telling that it is his problem and why should I bend over backwards and reach out while the other person is not willing to (according to me) accommodate me. 

I even wrote a poem in Kannada (as it is easy for me to express myself in my mother tongue) ಸಂಬಂಧಗಳು

Even at work I have often wondered if I am transgressing that thin line between self respect and ego. I have even justified that the “Position deserves respect, while the person may not”.

Once, we walked away from an acquisition deal when we felt unfairly treated. Was it an act of ego or we walked away from a perceived attack on our self respect?

Similarly when we are given the short ended treatment, where we feel the we “deserve” something better, should we stand the ground and demand or step back with humility and walk away?

So in essence, in our daily lives, we often hear terms like "ego" and "self-respect" tossed around interchangeably, but they definitely represent two distinct forces shaping our interactions. We have our Rama and Rāvana in us. 

This my take on it.

Ego

Ego thrives on comparison and external validation. It's that inner voice insisting you're always right, craving applause, or retaliating harshly when slighted. Picture a heated argument where you refuse to apologize—not because you're certain you're correct, but because admitting fault feels like defeat. Ego appears similar to self-respect because both protect your sense of self, yet it masks insecurity with defensiveness or sometimes a need to show superiority. It’s many a time exhibited by dominating one’s presence.

Self-Respect

Self-respect, by contrast, stems from quiet confidence in one’s own values and boundaries. It doesn't need to prove anything to others; it simply honors your principles. Imagine walking away from a toxic friendship not out of spite, but because it drains your energy and misaligns with your standards. This preserves your dignity without diminishing anyone else.

Spotting the Difference

They mimic each other in moments of pride, but “context” reveals the truth and so does how it gets exhibited in action or response.

Ego in action: A person demand the last word in a debate to "win," even if it escalates tension. Or, a person boasts about achievements to overshadow others.

Self-respect in action: A person voices disagreement calmly, then disengages if unheard, prioritizing peace over victory. Or, a person declines an unfair deal because it compromises one’s own integrity.

Just to make myself more clear, I thought of making out scenarios and imagine what would be the response that can be categorised as Ego or Self respect.

Scenario	Ego response	Self respect response
Criticism at work	Lash out or sulk, blaming others. Play victim. Defend. Exhibit bitterness. Take it personally.	Listen, reflect, and improve or set boundaries. Walk away calmly without rancour.
Betrayal by a friend	Publicly name and shame them for revenge. Talk about it everywhere. Feel slighted and hurt. Demand explanations.	Forgive privately or distance yourself gracefully and move on.
Losing or winning a competition	Downplay others' wins or quit or even worse cheat to win.	Congratulate rivals and learn from the loss. Do not gloat of success. Take it with a sense of equanimity.
In a negotiation of a deal or in a business meeting.	Behave as though it is war or battle. Don’t give an inch to the other party. Exhibit superiority. Insist on being heard rather than calmly listen.	Be ready to walk away. Not necessarily a “Must win” attitude. Stick to principles. Focus on messages rather than how it is conveyed.

When Does It Tip from Self-Respect to Ego?

Perhaps this shift happens when “protection turns possessive”. “Self confidence turns to self doubts and a need for validation”.

Self-respect says, "I deserve respect" and radiates inwards as self confidence.

Ego shouts, "I demand superiority" and extends it outward to dominate seeking validation.

If an action uplifts me without tearing others down, it is “Self respect”.

If resentment or one-upmanship creeps in, it's likely ego. 

Cultivating self-respect through self-awareness like journaling one’s reactions, seeking feedback, and practicing empathy is perhaps a way out of ego and towards self respect.

Over time, we will “stand tall” without needing to “stand alone” or “stand apart”.

Understanding this difference fosters healthier relationships and inner peace. After all, true strength lies not in never bending, but in bending wisely.

As usual, my two “Go to sources” remains to be the Bhagavadgita and Sri. DVG’s Mankuthimmana Kagga or simply called “Gita” and “Kagga”.

Gita: Ahaṅkāra vs Ātmavat.

In the Gita, ego is ahaṅkāra—the mistaken belief “I” am the doer, which binds a person to anger, pride, jealousy, and suffering.

Self-respect, in Gita terms, comes from knowing oneself as ātman and living with humility (अमानित्वम् - amānitvam) and freedom from arrogance (अदम्भित्वम् - ādambhitvam), not needing to shout one’s greatness.

• When action is driven by “I must be seen as superior,” it is ego.

• When action is driven by “I must stay true to dharma, even if unseen,” it is self-respect.

Arjuna’s initial refusal to fight is partly wounded ego and confusion, but Krishna transforms it into grounded self-respect—acting without attachment, yet without self-contempt or self pity.

Interestingly, in Bhāsa’s Dhoothavākyam, when Krishna goes to Duryodhna’s court and seeks to avoid war by seeking at the least five villages to the Pāndavas, even Krishna falls into the trap of vanity and ego. When taunted that as mere cowherd, he does not know the ways of Kshatriyas and, he has come begging instead of fighting and winning them over, Krishna launches himself to talk about how valorous he is and that he has vanquished Jarasandha, Kamsa etc. trying to prove his superiority. Karna cuts Krishna down immediately and says अलंमलं आत्मस्थवेन। न शौर्यं एतत्। (no, no, don’t praise yourself, this is not (the Kshatriya way of) Shaurya or bravery. Krishna quickly realises and recovers…

Kagga: Need for validation and attention.

DVG warns that the thirst for reputation can devour a person’s very soul—this is ego dressed up as dignity.

He also calls upon examples from nature and shows how one need not have to shout out their actions to prove their worth.

ಅನ್ನದಾತುರಕಿಂತ ಚಿನ್ನದಾತುರ ತೀಕ್ಷ್ಣ |

ಚಿನ್ನದಾತುರಕಿಂತ ಹೆಣ್ಣುಗಂಡೊಲವು ||

ಮನ್ನಣೆಯ ದಾಹವೀಯೆಲ್ಲಕಂ ತೀಕ್ಷ್ಣತಮ |

ತಿನ್ನುವುದದಾತ್ಮವನೆ - ಮಂಕುತಿಮ್ಮ ||

The hunger for gold is sharper than the hunger for food; the love between man and woman is sharper than that for gold. But the thirst for recognition (fame/ego) is the sharpest of all—it consumes the soul. 

ಇಳೆಯಿಂದ ಮೊಳಕೆ ಒಗೆ ಒಂದು ತಮಟೆಗಲಿಲ್ಲ

ಫಲಮಾಗು ಒಂದು ತುತ್ತೂರಿ ದನಿಯಿಲ್ಲ

ಬೆಳಕೀವ ಸೂರ್ಯ ಚಂದ್ರರದೊಂದು ಸದ್ದಿಲ್ಲ

ಹೊಲಿ ನಿನ್ನ ತುಟಿಗಳನು ಮಂಕುತಿಮ್ಮ

There are no drums beating to announce the germination from a seed, no trumpeting around when a fruit ripens, the sun and moon do their acts silently without any fanfare, so (do not crow your achievements) remain silent (and continue to be humble).

Summary.

Ego shouts and demands for superiority, while self-respect quietly whispers to upholds our own inherent worth. Understanding the difference can transform how we can respond to conflicts, relationships, and personal setbacks.

What do you think? Comment..